I Spy July

Evening readers, and welcome to my monthly cocktail of filth and stories about the inside of d-lister’s noses.  I’m sure there’s no incriminating white fluff up there, girl who won Pop Idol in 2005 etc etc.

Anyways, it struck me as odd that I’ve literally never seen a celebrity doing normal stuff like shopping and drinking meal replacement shakes, even though I hang out all over London like a lost urchin with a curly mullet. So, I decided to ask some other people to email me with what they’ve seen celebrities doing, and I think I have done better than NOW magazine (seriously, the best they had last week was two BB6 people or something shopping for sausage rolls at Greggs. Guffaw.)

From: Chiponmyshoulder@noparentalsupervisonorguidance.uk.net

Dear Hannah,

John Frieda was giving bowl cuts to kids on my ruff lundun estate and insuring them that they look just like Ziggy/Zammo, just sans the frizz…All the working class kitchen sink grit of his Polish ancestry shines through…NO. I tried to just say no but free haircuts only happen twice: once from publicity-hungry celebrities and the other in the Army. I’m too young to die, so I chose the ‘accept offer from Sheer Blonde creator’ option. I am going to be called soft forever, but thats ok because I work at B&Q and my sister’s bastard son was box 16 on Deal or No Deal once…so I must be straight.

(I actually think he was very brave to email us with this picture…after all, there is a place where people with teeth like his often end up…it starts with Beachy and ends with Head)

From: Taylormomsen@chacecrawfordtaylormomsenleightonmeester.com

Good day Hannah,

Richard Bacon was eating errrm a bacon sandwich outside a synagogue in North London. Incensed our group of friendly Jewish lawyers…I would’ve confronted him there and then but we must be home before sundown on a Friday (ready for Jonathan Ross presumably).

(Another brave, brave soul who – rather than confront Bacon on his crime for fear of sinning – actually decided to call a lawyer and try to settle away from court for a great deal of his assets (flat, car, signed poster of Rachel Stevens). Good on you Mr’s Chace, Crawford , Taylor , Momsen, Leighton and Meester).

From: lindsaylohan@


Hiii Hannah ❤

Saw your best UK export since like, the Queen, that sexy Cat Deeley snogging a butch woman in LA…no one noticed because said butch woman was probably C.D’s effeminate identikit lover JACK HUSTON. I’m definitely not jealous that she is going out with someone who is 89% Johnny Depp and 11% Morticia Addams, because I am a bonafide lesbian. No 89% men allowed! A woman needs a man like a fish needs a tricycle! xXx ps: that said, any directors I can hang with y’know, get me some film roles maybe? Ten year hiatus sucks when your Coke Fund runs dry, eh?

(Good choice, Linz <3, don’t think you’ve really been the same since you did Freaky Friday. Maybe it was that time you spent as Jamie Lee-Curtis…)




Hey Harriet J Davids i super love your website…I’m a 13 year old girl who is definitely not a 50 year old man LOL. Anywho, KStew and TLautz buying garlic and rabbits paws and copies of the Mormon biblein this totally hip and uber ironic shop called like yeah I dont remember because I picked heroin and Oreos for breakfast. Bad choice. But like, you should keep yourself safe before an interview with a vampire and such, bbz…sorry, I hear my goddamn blackberry… must dash, it could be one of the girls from The Hills, i put my PIN on a facebook group and have been so popular ever since LOLZ – *gunshot*

(It’s funny how much she looks like a stock image…maybe she is a model…or more likely she works in a video store like one of the sad kids in Scream, desperately downloading Neve Campbell screensavers for special time. I like inappapropriate italics.)


ANYWAYS, moving swiftly on – THANKS AGAIN – Cathryn Innocent & I have started an exciting, brand new, never seen before website in the past month!

BELLEJAM.com is a place where us two crazy gimps hope to engage and entertain our readership with photojournalism, reviews, etc…its a HANNAHJDAVIES offshoot so I know that if you like this, you will LOVE Bellejam.com!!

Log on if only for my review of the J Depp/C Bale film Public Enemies!

(Image: C. Innocent)

Bands I’ve seen – Jul 09 – o2 wireless festival, london; featured great performances from Kanye West (electriying even solo) and the Noisettes among many others. Fun day out, got plenty of freebies and had Domino’s from a van…

(Fan photography by myself – Shingai from the Noisettes shortly before a massive wardrobe malfunction rendered her indecent for a period. My friend and I were pretty close up as you can see…singing along and invariably gaining cigarette burns and beer in our respective hair [especially during Calvin Harris].  All good fun though…)

Ken Kobayashi band (see here for my interview with the man himself) in Brixton, along with The Thirst and others…really buzzing gig which also featured some cheeky chappy burlesque).


+++ MORE MORE MORE: coming soon when the Bellejam.com girlies (Cathryn and myself) go to the Underage Festival with  !!! I can’t wait to chat artistes with Santo/igold and enjoy some Dubstep from Rusko & Caspa!I’ll keep posting after the festival!

Til next time, bonne nuit (yes, I teach French on the side)


x x x x

PS: massive massive huge congratuwelldone to this woman:

…if you’re not sure who she is and you are under the age of 30,  then you maybe you should consider a career in caving…i mean that in the nicest way possible for such a facety remark. K to the Rissi!!


Welcome to 2009…oh, wait its the 5th of January…I do apologize for being late, but as you can tell I am not in my right mind…too much of thison New Years Eve, coupled with far too little of this …sleeping, not androgynous mullets, lippy and dandruff sharing as I think the picture might imply. Anyways, who else saw Lenny Henry making an arse of himself on Jools Holland’s Hootenanny? Could Len possibly be THE unfunniest man to have ever had a BBC comedy show comissioned?

This got me thinking…my New Years resolution should be to stop crappy shows getting made and taking up airtime…here’s a few that I think should go…


The acting is like an impromptu theatre school at a morgue. The storylines (dead policemen in lakes, stupid inbred brutes setting fire to things) are primitive and lifeless. I am never, ever going to be swayed on those two things. Not even Paddy – a parallel-world Peter Griffin in Damart apparel – can sway me.

2) I was out of the country when Heroes began – maybe that’s why I’ve always felt frozen out of the hype which has surrounded this superturkey for a few years now. Sloppily written, sadomasochistically smattered with a pervy and fat villain, starring a blonde girl who designs handbags for Coach (similar to Gap, Abercr0mbie, Juicy etc…) but NO, the reason I hate Heroes is simply because it is 45 minutes long, and then it is immediately followed by a 15 minute episode showing you how they did all the effects and badly wrote the dialogue. Spoiling the magic, moi?

3) ’nuff said I think. Stupid, talentless, bimbos…and that’s just Dannii and Cheryl. I’m here to rate, rather than slate, so I will tell you something which the X Factor is good at. Ruining TV.

Ditto Strictly come dancing, with its foppish winner, Tom somebody or other? Rather than thanking the crew, the home audience who wasted their pennies voting for him even when it was a blatant fix or the poor Vietnamese kids who I’m sure worked pretty damn hard sewing sequins onto all those dresses, selfish mummy’s boy Tommy gushed about his wife, and then danced atrociously and awkwardly with her on stage. It was like some kind of bad wedding reception at a hotel next to Heathrow…the kind where you fill your plate with spring rolls and crisps, and sit in your best dress/waistcoat talking to a 90-year-old ‘relative’ whilst everyone else gets drunk and does the conga.


Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that TV is poor at the moment, very poor indeed…cinema isn’t much better, as I discovered at Twilight. Vampires…lust…vampiric lust…that’s it basically. Save your money and watch a real horror film, rather than a gushy pseudo-horror romance where the central love interest is suppressing the urge to suck the main girl’s blood 24/7. Edward Cullen – Robert Pattinson – is a socially inept weirdo, whilst the rather horny Bella Swan is played by Kristen Stewart – a Zooey Deschanel/Liv Tyler-look-a-like who I can only remember for playing a moody bitch in Jamanji-esque flop Zathura. It’s sloppy, it thinks its an action film and there are far too many cliched polt devices…generously I’ll go with a 3/5, as it was truly laugh-a-minute during the more ‘lovey’ moments.

I vant too suk yurr bludd: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart getting a bit too close for comfort in Twilight

Currently listening to: Elbow…a lot of Elbow…One Day Like This is a string-laden, heavy affair which reminds me of an alternative Christmas carol somehow, and the effervescently cool Grounds For Divorce combines a sultry riff with dark lyrics and some edgy production and mixing.

Toodles, I’m off to eat noodles and poodles. Just joking about the poodles bit, I should make it clear that I love all creatures great and small. Even Lenny Henry *shudders*


x x x x