Welcome to 2009…oh, wait its the 5th of January…I do apologize for being late, but as you can tell I am not in my right mind…too much of thison New Years Eve, coupled with far too little of this …sleeping, not androgynous mullets, lippy and dandruff sharing as I think the picture might imply. Anyways, who else saw Lenny Henry making an arse of himself on Jools Holland’s Hootenanny? Could Len possibly be THE unfunniest man to have ever had a BBC comedy show comissioned?

This got me thinking…my New Years resolution should be to stop crappy shows getting made and taking up airtime…here’s a few that I think should go…

1)

The acting is like an impromptu theatre school at a morgue. The storylines (dead policemen in lakes, stupid inbred brutes setting fire to things) are primitive and lifeless. I am never, ever going to be swayed on those two things. Not even Paddy – a parallel-world Peter Griffin in Damart apparel – can sway me.

2) I was out of the country when Heroes began – maybe that’s why I’ve always felt frozen out of the hype which has surrounded this superturkey for a few years now. Sloppily written, sadomasochistically smattered with a pervy and fat villain, starring a blonde girl who designs handbags for Coach (similar to Gap, Abercr0mbie, Juicy etc…) but NO, the reason I hate Heroes is simply because it is 45 minutes long, and then it is immediately followed by a 15 minute episode showing you how they did all the effects and badly wrote the dialogue. Spoiling the magic, moi?

3) ’nuff said I think. Stupid, talentless, bimbos…and that’s just Dannii and Cheryl. I’m here to rate, rather than slate, so I will tell you something which the X Factor is good at. Ruining TV.

Ditto Strictly come dancing, with its foppish winner, Tom somebody or other? Rather than thanking the crew, the home audience who wasted their pennies voting for him even when it was a blatant fix or the poor Vietnamese kids who I’m sure worked pretty damn hard sewing sequins onto all those dresses, selfish mummy’s boy Tommy gushed about his wife, and then danced atrociously and awkwardly with her on stage. It was like some kind of bad wedding reception at a hotel next to Heathrow…the kind where you fill your plate with spring rolls and crisps, and sit in your best dress/waistcoat talking to a 90-year-old ‘relative’ whilst everyone else gets drunk and does the conga.

NOT LIKE THESE TWO…

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that TV is poor at the moment, very poor indeed…cinema isn’t much better, as I discovered at Twilight. Vampires…lust…vampiric lust…that’s it basically. Save your money and watch a real horror film, rather than a gushy pseudo-horror romance where the central love interest is suppressing the urge to suck the main girl’s blood 24/7. Edward Cullen – Robert Pattinson – is a socially inept weirdo, whilst the rather horny Bella Swan is played by Kristen Stewart – a Zooey Deschanel/Liv Tyler-look-a-like who I can only remember for playing a moody bitch in Jamanji-esque flop Zathura. It’s sloppy, it thinks its an action film and there are far too many cliched polt devices…generously I’ll go with a 3/5, as it was truly laugh-a-minute during the more ‘lovey’ moments.

I vant too suk yurr bludd: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart getting a bit too close for comfort in Twilight

Currently listening to: Elbow…a lot of Elbow…One Day Like This is a string-laden, heavy affair which reminds me of an alternative Christmas carol somehow, and the effervescently cool Grounds For Divorce combines a sultry riff with dark lyrics and some edgy production and mixing.

Toodles, I’m off to eat noodles and poodles. Just joking about the poodles bit, I should make it clear that I love all creatures great and small. Even Lenny Henry *shudders*

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